Approaching a Writer for Dummies

A writer is a shy, gentle creature, known for consuming large amounts of chocolate and coffee while working on their novel. They can be male or female, young or old, and come in a variety of different appearances.

At first, you might be tempted to ask them questions about the novel they are working on. If they answer cheerfully, you may continue. If they snap one-word answers, back away slowly and do not make eye contact, or the writer may attack.

At first, the writer may appear to be docile, and might even offer you a chance to read their novel. However if you say anything like A) No offense, but I like (author’s name)’s books better than yours, B) Hey, this is a lot like (insert wildly popular book’s name here)!, C) (Insert friend’s name here) wants to write a novel, maybe you could see if he/she wants to write this with you! or D) I don’t like any of your characters.

If you say any of those four things, the writer will start to growl. Once the growl starts, you have exactly three seconds to leave the writer’s line of site or they will start throwing books.

Once you have established a friendship with the writer, it will be safe to ask them more questions. NEVER EVER ask if you can read their novel, because that tends to stress a writer out.

Sometimes, you may see the writer go into a coma-like trance, but they will still be typing. It might be tempting to poke them with something; ignore this temptation if you value all your limbs. Instead, gently nudge food in their direction then leave them alone.

You might also see a writer crying in frustration because their characters are refusing to cooperate. Give them chocolate and leave them alone.

REMEMBER: always approach a writer with caution and respect. And if you don’t want to end up in their novel…try not to do anything too interesting.

Happy Sunday,



5 thoughts on “Approaching a Writer for Dummies

  1. Ha ha this is brilliant 🙂 so true, sometimes I’m all smiley, ‘yeah sure you can read my novel’ other times it’s ‘grrr, writing, leave now’


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