How to Survive A Horror Novel (A Practical Guide)

I’ve been a bit of a horror kick lately (You can blame Anna Dressed in Blood), so I have been doing a lot of research on how not to act in a horror novel. Basically, what I have found out is that as long as you don’t go and investigate a strange murder or a haunted house or something along those lines you will be fine. HOWEVER, sometimes you just can’t resist, which is why you need to follow these rules.

• STICK WITH THE GROUP. I cannot stress how important it is to STICK WITH THE GROUP. Do not wander off. Superglue yourself to someone if you have to to keep from being left behind, but if you leave that group of people your last sight might be the great white fangs of a ghost snake (I am aware that Nagini is not, in fact, a ghost snake).

• You see that dark hallway/empty staircase/propped open door? Well, something is going to lunge at you from it and bite your head off. Maybe the before mentioned ghost snake. WE JUST DON’T KNOW. So if you want to avoid disembowelment from a killer clown, STAY AWAY.
• Remember all those hours you spent watching Supernatural? NOW IT’S TIME TO PUT THEM TO GOOD USE. Bring salt. Lots of it. And holy water if you can get it.And throw them at everything that even creaks. Not all of it, though. Just a little bit. You don’t want to loose your supplies.
• Is someone clinging to something strange? A porcelain doll? A necklace you’ve never seen before? Does the thing glow or does the person look strange the longer they hold onto it? Don’t just write it off to them being weird. SMASH IT. If they were possessed, they’ll forgive you for this later.

• So, for whatever reason you left your group, or maybe you’re the last one left. But you’re edging down the hallway, and you feel like there’s something behind you…you turn around, see a flicker of movement, and you scream. DON’T DO THIS. The ghosts want to see the whites of your eyes, the terror that fills them as they kill you. But if you don’t turn around, this won’t happen? Have you ever heard of a ghost stabbing someone in the back? That’s right, no. They want you terrified and screaming.
• Let’s say you were the unlucky person that ended up in the horror novel filled with zombies instead of ghosts. Ghosts will kill you quickly. Zombies will gnaw on you for a while. Here’s what you do: You don’t light them on fire, because nothing is worse than a zombie gnawing on you who is also on fire. You need to either sever their head or their legs. Their head because it’s some rule that zombies will die (again) without their head, and their legs because they can’t come and get you to gnaw on you. But you can only do this if you have a gun. So, good luck.And the final, most important rule is this: GET OUT OF THAT HAUNTED HOUSE OR DARK ALLY OR WHATEVER IT WAS AND RUN YOUR BUTT OFF UNTIL YOU’RE SAFE. Run until your legs are blurred and the house is far in the distance and you’re around other people again. USE THAT ADRENALINE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.Just. Run.

This practical guide was written by Aine, the mastermind behind the blog Writing on a Vintage Typewriter. While she claims to have vast amounts of knowledge, she has not yet, to date, been in a horror novel. She has, however, watched a lot of Teen Wolf.

Happy Sunday,