We bookworms are shy, gentle creatures (mostly), always sweet and kind (sorta), and will never, ever get mad at you if you say or do something you shouldn’t (definitely not). Basically doing anything on this below list will most likely invoke a fistfight with the bookworm in question. So if you like your nose unbroken, read this list carefully.
TRY TO START A CONVERSATION WHILE THEY’RE READING
Not a good idea. You might think you’re safe if you try to talk about the book they’re reading, BUT YOU’RE NOT. You’ll most likely make them even more annoyed because they’re currently trying to finish the book you keep wanting to prattle on about. So, bad idea.
IF YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS: “STOP CRYING, IT’S ONLY A BOOK”.
No, it’s not only a book! (Insert name here) just died and they loved them. They’ll never, ever get to read about that character again, and they need a moment. Why is crying during sad movies considered completely normal but crying when a character in a book dies weird?
BORROW THEIR BOOK IN RIP/BEND/TEAR/STAIN THE PAGES OR COVER
Nudge the book toward them and run. As fast as you can and as far away as you can. They will become like an angry bull and might just chase you across the country until you buy them a new book. NO SKIMPING, either. If it was a hardcover, don’t try and buy them the paperback version and think it’s all okay because the story is the same.
TELL THEM A SPOILER
“Oh, you didn’t know (so-and-so) dies? Oops, sorry!”
That will not cut it. Unless you wish to be brained by the book you just spoiled, I highly recommend getting out of there before they realize what you’ve done and come after you. You have 5.3 seconds on the dot. Run like the wind in a zig-zag pattern and you might just survive.
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS: “WHY ARE YOU BUYING THAT BOOK? YOU’VE ALREADY READ IT, HAVEN’T YOU?”
You can read book more than once! There’s even a word for it; rereading. Sometimes you love a book so much you must have it and read it again and again and again. Why have you watched Frozen ten times? Because you’re trying to find all the hidden Mickey’s?
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS: “OH, HEY! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF (INSERT WILDLY POPULAR AND WELL KNOWN BOOK HERE THAT THEY HAVE READ. TWICE)? IT’S ABOUT (INSERT LONG RANT ABOUT ENTIRE PLOT OF THE BOOK).”
Look, we love it when people give us book recommendations. We really do. But they don’t need the entire plot of The Hunger Games because there’s a 90% chance they’ve already read it, and even if they haven’t, they know what it’s about. Doing this is what I like to call “Recommendation Spamming”.
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS: “WE CAN GO INTO THE BOOKSTORE IF YOU CAN BE IN AND OUT IN FIVE MINUTES”.
Uh, no. They need five minutes just to look at the bestsellers or talk to the clerk when buying a book. Fifteen minutes is more reasonable, but still a bit tight (they can only check the new releases section). Basically, let them go in and do their thing.
ENTER A BOOKSTORE WITH THEM AND COMPLAIN THE WHOLE TIME
If there is one thing that will not make the trip go faster is following along behind them going, “This is taking forever. Can we go now?” You are distracting them from their browsing. This will cause the trip to take longer. Besides, they didn’t complain when you spent an hour and half choosing a pair of shoes.
ASK THEM TO RECOMMEND YOU A BOOK AND IGNORE ALL RECOMMENDATIONS
“No, not that one, I don’t like the cover.” “The main character’s name is Riley? No thanks, I don’t like that name.” “Oh, it doesn’t have any romance? No thanks!”
They are putting time and effort into helping you choose a book. Think of it like pitching an idea to a boss. It would be incredibly annoying if your boss turned down every idea because you used the wrong color pen or because you pitched it to him on a Tuesday. Give them enough time to actually explain what the book’s about before rejecting it for a real reason.
(No offense to people named Riley. It was the first name I could think of).
SAY THIS: “OH, YOUR FAVORITE BOOK IS (INSERT BOOK HERE)? I HATED THAT BOOK!”
Run. As far away and as fast as you can. They will suddenly not be able to remember that murdering someone is a crime, and you’ve become their target. Leave the country as quickly as possible, and know that if you have to live the rest of your life eating bugs in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, it’s your own fault.
So! What are some things that non bookworms say to you that drive you insane? Is it anything on this list?